Mushroom Stroganoff Gets Dooced

“A savory sherry cream sauce, fresh mushroom and parmesan with egg noodles.” -Noodles
Dooce: Tonight Jon indulged me and instead of having to throw yet another frozen Costco dinner into the oven we drove to Noodles and Co. to secure an edible meal. When people ask me if I cook I say, yes, I do, but someone else does all the prep work for me.
I wanted to order something Leta might eat so I wouldn’t have to go through all the trouble of making something she wouldn’t eat anyway. We agreed that we would order Beef Stroganoff. On the menu it’s listed as Mushroom Stroganoff and you have to ask for the meat separately.
When we approached the cashier Jon said, “We’d like Beef Stroganoff…” and then he paused because we hadn’t yet decided what else we were going to order to feed the other 80% of our family, my stomach. The cashier, a pimpled kid who looked like a 15-year-old extra from Napoleon Dynamite, seized the pause to regrettably inform us that they didn’t carry beef.
“BEEF Stroganoff,” Jon repeated because we have ordered this exact meal at least as many times as years this kid has been on Earth.
“We don’t carry beef,” he assured us. And then he explained, “We only carry shrimp, chicken, tofu, and steak.”
THANK GOD I was holding Leta so I could pretend I was tickling her neck with my mouth when instead I was muffling my whooping laughter into the folds of her skin.
“Steak Stroganoff, then, Captain,” Jon clarified.
When we sat down to wait for our take-out order I couldn’t stop laughing, and Jon looked at me like, “We live here voluntarily, you know that, don’t you?”

About David Burn

I wrote my first ad for a political candidate when I was 17 years old. She won her race and I felt the seductive power of advertising for the first time. Today—after working for seven agencies in five states—I am head of brand strategy and creative at Bonehook in Portland, Oregon.